a letter...

This is the email I sent my advisor:

Hi (advisor),

I realize that I am behind the deadlines. But I am operating from a very unfamiliar place. Before I help you understand my position, let me say that I understand that deadlines are a part of academia and, in no way, am I trying to rock the boat or disrupt the system. I do not mean to offer excuses, but what I hope to be a sincere disclosure of where and who I am.

On Wednesday, the conversation that we had at the end of class was very disheartening. The discussion of the Smith article became personal for a variety of reasons. In trying to explain my reaction to the article, I felt as though I was being silenced. Now, I very well know that this was probably not intentional, however, it seemed as though the last twenty minutes or so were spent trying to convince me that Smith was not obviously centering whiteness and demeaning people of color/non-mainstream culture. Usually, these discussions don’t become personal. I will simply disengage from these conversations before I will allow the to effect me personally. I have learned to adopt this stance especially when speaking to white people about issues of culture and color. I realize that I have unique ways of understanding the world that are often antithetical to the domination/subordination schema that orders our lives. On Wednesday, I was trying to convey that the Smith article denied the humanity of the participants as well as my own humanity by reifying and circulating a number of old, pervasive racial tropes and stereotypes. The comments that I offered on Wednesday were from a place that I don’t speak from often—rarely in class and never with whites. Because I viewed you and [other class participant] as allies, I was trying to convey that the Smith article was painful on a number of levels. I was trying to speak with you both from a place that I have never gone to before with whites as an adult—deeply personal and ultimately, the raw version of how I view the world. I did not expect, however, to be told that my reading of the article was wrong. To be fair, I know that those words were not used in our conversation; however, this was my perception. I discerned that I, as a person of color, was being forced to prove the ways in which the article was psychically and racial damaging similar to the burden of proof that current social milieu demands. I was required to prove racially-motivated psychic detriment and, given the immediate backlash, I would fail. Then, as we were hurriedly escaping the room, you told us to overlook the content of the article and focus on how Smith used the vignettes and how they functioned in the piece.

Let me explain, my choice to undertake this work is intrinsic. My decision to come to Wash U. is deeply rooted in my sense of self, community, and an extreme desire to impact the ways in which the world operates, unfairly castigating and often denying the humanity of marginalized people. I am committed to that goal. I would sacrifice my life or whatever necessary to better the world in which we live. When I was told to overlook the content of the article, I almost immediately disengaged from the conversation and the place of vulnerability from which I spoke. I was reminded of all the times that I had tried to trust white individuals and they failed to be the people they said that they were. To overlook the content of the article would mean that I overlook my own humanity and the humanity of the girls I felt (and still feel after re-reading the article several times since class) Smith disenfranchised. I liken it to a teacher reading the book Ten Little Nigger Boys in an urban classroom and telling her students to overlook the use of inflammatory language and the caricatures of blacks and, instead, focus on number recognition. I use this as an extreme example to express what I assessed as a blatant disregard of my experience rendering it and me invisible. After the paper that we collaborated on, I consider you an ally. What I experienced in class on Wednesday, whether intentional or not, prompted me to call upon white racial tropes that have been culturally iterated and reiterated by life’s experience—never trust white people, they will always turn on black people, they always stick together, and, fundamentally, they don’t care about the thoughts, feelings, and realities of black folks. This is why I am in a unique place. I am well aware that the deadline has passed, but I am not at a place where I can turn in my assignments. I find myself disengaging. Because the graduate process has been difficult for me and my sense of self is stabilizing, I cannot, do not, and will not allow myself to get as low as I once was. My voice of self-protection would just as soon allow me to completely disengage rather than hurt myself physically or mentally again. The place of vulnerability from which I spoke on Wednesday is all I have and I cannot overlook that—it would be to my detriment and certain demise to disregard or ignore it for the sake of an assignment or deadline. And, trying to reconcile last Wednesday’s class with how deeply personal this work is for me and my personhood has produced a sense of inertia. I keep thinking what I would do if this were my dissertation or a book publisher, but it seems disingenuous to compare this situation to an improbable, hypothetical dilemma.

I recognize that I could have just put something together and never share this with you. Unfortunately, grades don’t mean much to me in light of my experience here. I would (and will) take any grade you gave me and repeat the courses if necessary. However, if I didn’t share this with you, I would disengage from this process, ever distrustful of you and your intentions. And that is irreconcilable with my beliefs and the values by which I have chosen to live my life. That is not a relationship that I want to cultivate and pursue with anyone, let alone my advisor. I, rather, choose to respond to you as an ally. Regardless of your response, sharing this with you will, indeed, allow for my own personal and academic forward movement.

Respectfully and honestly,
(nonwhite&woman)