I just have to say that these conversations are not without their toll on my mind and body. I am tired and I just want to curl into a ball and never leave the house. My stomach hurts and I am pushing away from me all of the people that I love. It's so fucking tiring. I know that I have committed myself to being a "truth-teller" to say all of the things that need to be said, but gracious, it is taking its toll on my happiness. I am depressed right now. I get tired of engaging people in these discussions. I wrote her and email earlier this afternoon in which I said,

Hi "Professor,"

After last week's class and the conversation we had following class, I would appreciate some clarification of my role in the course.

It appears as though we may have different teaching philosophies. I feel as though my presence may seemingly cosign, by proxy, positions raised in class. My ethical orientation does not allow me to wait to address issues of social and racial injustice and disparagement until people are comfortable enough to engage in dialogue.

I am hoping to further this dialogue in Thursday's meeting. And, I sincerely welcome your feedback in addition to your explicit views of my function and role in the course.

Thanks,
nonwhite&woman

She responds with,
I welcome our continued conversation. I think that it's important to focus on
culturally relevant pedagogy throughout a course and to build from a strength
perspective from each of our students. It's not so much comfort that I am
waiting for but to build a community in which to address these difficult
conversations. If we wait for comfort we will never address the issues at all.

We can talk more on Thursday.

"Professor"

No "dear nonwhite&woman." She doesn't even acknowledge me in her response. WTF??!?!??! I don't get it. Not to mention that I have to overlook the very essence of my experience in order to function in this course. Why? WHY? It is so fucking terribly frustrating and disappointing. I'm tired. I'M FUCKING TIRED! I don't have any words today to be polite and respectful. How about someone giving a damn about me? When does that kick in? She, from this email, appears to be personally affronted. SO WHAT? WHO FUCKING CARES? Why isn't there a concern for my feelings and well-being? So, I have to exist outside of the community? I feel like some niggra who has to stand outside of the picture window while all of the white kids enjoy a refreshing glass of lemonade or ice cream on a 150-degree day. Not only is it damn hot, but it's lonely. Let me also mention, the overwhelming hurt I feel when I know they can see me and they know how hot it is outside and they do nothing about it, refusing to help me. If I die of heat stroke, then it's my own fuckin fault, right? I should have gone somewhere to avoid the heat. but they have the only fans, air conditioning, ice, and water within a 2000 mile radius and all of the trees shade their front yard which I'm not allowed to "loiter" near. This is what this feels like. Exactly what this feels like. Gaddam it!

Truth be told, I DON'T MATTER. I want them to feel the same way I feel--frustrated, out of control, powerless, denied, inhuman, unworthy, cast out, avoided, ignored, singled out, fucked in every way imaginable.

Happy Tuesday.