thinking through life

It has been quite some time. I haven't had much of the will or desire to write anything. I am not particularly pleased with my life. I don't feel as though I am using my gifts. I thought that the PhD was what I wanted. I think I was more focused on the prestige rather than the actual process. I feel as though I am qualified, I'm just not sure I have the commitment necessary to finish. I have been hurt and broken by this process. Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I am curious about what my reason for being here is. I have no desire to work on a college campus. At least, not until I'm done with actively working to change the world. I want to work with children. Most of all...

I want to be happy.

I haven't been happy in a really long time. I've put my happiness off like I sometimes put off going to the gym. I want to get away from the life I have now. I hate school. I hate my department. I don't care for the people. Most are snobs. That is not the person that I am (at least not who I want to be) and I don't believe that that is the person I was meant to become. There is a certain amount of elitism that courses through the veins of "prestigious" universities. I don't want to be a part of that, not really. When I imagine my impact on this world, I see the good works that I have done. I see the ways that I have affected change in the world. How I have advocated on the behalf of children as well as working with them. I want to help kids to read. I want to encourage critical thinking skills among children around issues of race and social justice. I think that the PhD would help to open doors for me, but I don't need it. It won't increase my skill set in terms of what I can do to help. The degree won't help my listen; it won't prepare me to hear what it is that the people I seek to serve are saying.

What else it there to say?

I think that everything that needs to be said has been said and that I have exhausted my ability to be patient. My focus is narrow. I don't want to learn statistics, I don't want to write papers simply to build my CV or to build my tenure case. I want a life of service. I want a life of service. I want a life of service. There, I got it out. I said it. Now, what to do about it? How do I make my dream a reality? How do I do it? That's the daunting task. Figuring out what to do about it. Anyone can identify a problem, it takes a truth-teller, a problem-solver, a listener, high morals, uncompromising ethics, sound commitment, and lots of heart to arbitrate a problem where all involved come out on top.

I can do it.