thankful introspection

it's that time of year again when i am prompted to reflect on the person that i am becoming and the things that i an thankful for. it has been a long, long, long year filled with a number of very low valleys that i was afraid i would not escape. but i did and i am all the better for it. i rather like the person that i am becoming. i am allowing myself to fully recognize myself as an assertive independent being. i can walk away from discord or a dead-end situation knowing that it doesn't define me and I can persevere. i remember when, earlier in the year, i was face down on the floor crying. i remember being there, remember wondering if there was a lower place for me to go, remember wondering what would be the best and painless way to hurt myself and/or end my suffering. as i lie face-down on the floor, i called out to G-d, asking what i had done for my life to end up this way, if i was a bad person, if my suffering couldn't end now (then). my past advisor had chosen not to advise me anymore, not to mention was excessively abusive (i was diagnosed with PTSD as a result), the man that i was hanging out with and had developed a deep crush on decided to secretly date my former office mate--only their dating/having sex wasn't so secret obviously, i lost a thirty-plus page paper, failed a major exam and that was just in four months. then i became suicidal.

i'm sure that anyone who hasn't been depressed before doesn't understand the magnitude of daily hurt under which a person suffering with the disease operates. everything was a struggle for me. i rarely did my hair, bathing was an extreme chore--all i wanted to do was lie in the bed all day looking past the tv. i hated myself and even more depressing, i hated my life. i remember having a disagreement--no a verbal altercation--with my roommate. i'd just left my department. as an aside, everytime i went to my department, i wanted to bust into tears. i refused to go to my office because it is on the third and a half floor (seriously) and i wanted to throw myself from the window. i spent so many days up there unable to do my work, crying. so after leaving another unproductive day full of tears, pain, and seeing as well as receiving an email from my former advisor (yes, the one with which my interactions with his abusive advising style prompted post traumatic stress disorder), i pulled into a local drugstore. there was a sale on 1000 count ibuprofen. it was only $7.99 per bottle. i bought two bottles and an arizona peach iced tea--a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. i pulled into the park with the giant turtles and turned off the ignition. i thought about it. my roomie had a pretty important event that a number of my family members were coming to. i thought it unwise to take the spotlight from her so i made an appointment with myself to kill myself the weekend after the event. i placed the bottles underneath the seat of my car, started the car, and proceeded home as the ibuprofen rattled underneath the passenger's seat--mocking me and enticing me at the same time.

that weekend, i received a call. a woman i knew in college had committed suicide. she was a second year medical student in dc. i was floored. she checked into a hotel, took some pills, and died. that was my plan of attack. i was further thrown from center. reeling from that incident, i sought help.

i began counseling and taking pills. i've since stopped going to counseling and taking pills. i don't think i'm cured, but i don't need pills to anesthetize my pain. (note: this is my choice. i don't recommend it for anyone. my circumstances are my own. anyone on medication should seek the advice of their doctor before discontinuing use) my counselor was a little wacky. in my last session she told me that i was making a speedy recovery. i decided not to go back. there are a number of things that are wrong in my life, with me, with the world in which i live. i am not recovering from those things--those things are inherently fucked up and i cannot change them. but i've chosen to deal with them, to not hide from them, to continue in spite of them --learning to love the me of me along the way.

i've learned thus far that i am a sensitive, caring, woman. the way that i live my life is a function of the intersections of my race, my gender, my economic status, my age, and the way i look. and at the same time, i am not defined by those things. i cannot walk away from them, but i have ways of getting away from these identities to regroup. i have a number of really good friends. none of them are completely aware of the extent to which i've suffered, but they are all extremely supportive and wonderfully soft places to land. i've learned that grad school is a dysfunctional mire--especially my department. but i've refused to change who i am to get through it. i would just as soon walk away from it than to be subsumed by it as i was before my epiphany.

lastly, i'm no longer making apologies for my life and the ways in which i choose to live it. just before i typed that a sob escaped. i think that's the biggest lesson in my life. since i believe that there are no mistakes in this life, i have to believe that i am not a mistake either. i am here for a reason--any reason i choose and a few i don't have any control over. but, i am approaching wholness. i've given up on being sane. he who is sane in an insane world suffers insanity. but i have given myself over to the cause of working to make the world a better place. i still lack patience. i am an effusive hothead at times. i need to speak up and out more and wholly commit myself to each moment. but what i lack, i make up for with passion, honesty, warmth, love, and ethics. now, i am choosing to live my life in such a way that when i get to heaven, G-d will meet me at the gates, invite me in, wink, and say,

did you have a good time?