The battle of the Greens

I've never been known for being subtle. In fact, quite the opposite. I've always lived my life in living color. If i had to choose a color, it would bright, neon, apple green. I have been proud of that fact. I wasn't that person in high school. I was like any teenager, I was fulled with angst and starving for acceptance. But when I went off to college, it was a different story.

I was young, vibrant, and had absolutely no responsibilities. I lived my life accordingly. Then, though, I was still striving for the normal things that girls are supposed to want. I wanted to find a good man and settle down. I thought that I would marry my college sweetheart and live happily ever after. I thought that I would have the friends I made in college forever. Further, I thought that I would graduate, get married, have a couple of kids, and find a fantastic job. None of this happened and for that I am extremely thankful. But where's the neon green?

I moved to DC for a stint. I was officially on my own. I had no idea of how to pay rent or bills on time. I often went out drinking with people from work. I had a blast in DC. I had good girlfriends and good male friends with which to hang out. Even with everything in place, I wasn't living my life in color. Sure, I was the life of the party. People enjoyed being around me. I loved to make people laugh, I still do. But I wasn't pursuing my dreams. I wasn't bold and fearless. I didn't know how to pursue what I wanted. As a result, the man that I wanted more than anyone or anything in my life slipped through my fingers. I never let him know that I was interested in him romantically. I listened to the advice of family and friends and kept my mouth shut, choosing for us to remain platonic. Now, I'm not saying that my revelation would have changed the course of my life or his for that matter, but I could have grabbed life by the horns and pursued what it was that I wanted.

Then, off to the South. Here, I was vibrant. I was living my life to its fullest. I was pursuing what I wanted to pursue. I acted more as an independent agent and free thinker that I ever have. Simply, I loved my life. I loved life because it was one of my own making. I chose what I wanted to do and who I wanted to do it with. I was living the bright lime green life I'd always wanted to live and sometimes deluded myself into thinking I was living before. I was gregarious. I was the life of the party. I went after what I wanted without a second glance and without thought to ramification. For the first time in my life, I mattered to me. I was damn pleased with my job, with my personal life, with myself. To that point, my life had been nearing full realization. Now, I got it. I reached the pinnacle of self-actualization.

Now, I am here. I have moved due South of self-actualization. I am off center. My neon green life best resembles a faint pastel green with more white than actual color. Paint stores call this color seafoam green, I believe. Only with the most extreme light can one even tell that the color on the walls is something other than white. Where did I go wrong. I wish I could take a break. I want to go to some retreat somewhere and live for several weeks, maybe even months in solitude. I don't want to talk to anyone. I simply want the time to quiet myself and listen to my heart's directions. But, right now, that is unrealistic.

So, here's my goal: to get back to my neon green life, unapologetically, vibrantly, and soon.