The Challenge: Phoenix Rising

I am sick.

It's stress related, of course. My illness, that is. I've spent most of the day in bed, against my best intentions. Suffering a severe headache, extreme nausea, and vomiting, I confined myself to my bedroom and bathroom. Everything else hurt. I called my mother long distance to complain about how shitty I felt. I wanted her to do something about it like she did when I was under her care. Selfishly, I wanted her to share my pain. In her concern, she called my sister and told her to bring me water every hour and to rub my tummy. How comical is it to have a grown-ass woman rubbing another grown-ass woman's *tummy*? I still don't feel 100%. I've got so much on my plate and I don't know how I'm going to accomplish it all. I don't know if I can accomplish it all. This is the reason for my post.

I have the best family and friends that God can provide. They are unconditionally supportive and believe in me in ways that I have yet to believe in myself. It's rather strange. Sometimes, I believe that their support is unfounded and misplaced. But, they have the faith that I am seeming to lack at this point in my life. I know that my rock bottom may be head and shoulders over another's rock bottom. But, this is not about comparisons. This is my rock bottom. I cannot get any lower than this, nor do I wish to. However, here's my point, or, rather, my question. How could the people who love me most expect more of me than I am capable of? Don't they know me better than I know myself at times? Am I questioning their faith and support because I want out of that which I feel called to do?

I think that I have forgotten just how capable I am. If I don't remember, and soon, then I think I will be forever lost. I'm tired of being depressed and down. I am tired of letting people get the best of me--when they don't deserve it. I will survive. Not because other people expect or want me to, but simply because I have work to do. I do want this degree, more than I ever could imagine. I don't have to wait on my degree to do the things that I want to do. I live my life. I cannot begin to explain how empowering those words are. I don't have to put my life on hold and wait for other people to tell me what I am worth or how I haven't measured up. Honestly, neither of us fulfilled our end of the bargain--my professors or me. But, those who have less power always receive the short-end of the stick. That's one of the lessons I am supposed to walk away with, I believe.