God...

I don't know what to say. I know that I need to say something. This past week I've been realizing that I am on the road to healing from my last overwhelming hurdle. As I realized this, I had to say goodbye to yet another friend today. I've noticed that there were a number of people coming to my site when I writing about happy things, or at least happier things. Now, I guess my depression has become fodder for a few. I realize that it takes an exceptionally strong person to be my friend, not because I am difficult to get along with or because I test the limits of my friendships, but something different entirely. The things that go on in my life are of some magnitude. it isn't simply someone chose not to talk to me or that I am hurting because my boyfriend called me fat. No, I carry the burden of a lot of really heavy shit. I'm not saying that my blues are better or worse than anyone else's. I'm saying that the shit I carry is big. And, unfortunately, some of the people that I chose to associate with cannot stand the weight of my problems.

At first, I thought that it was me. I thought that I deserved the shit that befell me--that I was the cause of my own macabre life. But, guess what folks, it ain't all me. I was hurting pretty badly for a while and there were people who helped me put the pieces back together, those that stood on the sidelines or in the wings waiting to help, and those who ran in circles wringing their hands. Quite frankly, I am glad to see which of the people in my life truly desire to be there, who see the me of me. Those who kick me in my ass when I need it in spite of me. I remember I called my sister-friend on the East coast crying ugly gut-wrenching sobs asking her why I was so fucked up. My life was in shambles. I was basically frozen out of my academic department, my sister had tried to commit suicide, my mother was dealing with her own stuff with my dad, and people were out to get me or simply pleased to see me fail. Her response,

"[Nonwhite&woman], now you're just being goddam ridiculous. What the fuck are you talking about? No, just no."

I love her for that response. But, you can imagine how many curses I had for her then. With that statement, I thought that she had turned against me too. But the miracle in all this is that with that statement, she stopped the ugly cry. I had to justify why I felt that way. And she gave as good as she got. She told me what she saw when she "looked" at me and forced me to see what I saw in me when I wasn't face down in life's muck. Being a friend is hard and it hurts.

I am glad that God has blessed me with people who really love me. Love isn't a feeling--you know the gratitude that accompanies how a particular person makes you feel or laugh. Love is an action. It can be one-sided. It, at times, can be hell. But, I can tell you this now, I have never turned my back on someone when they needed me. That's good karma. I'm proud of that. I may not know how to support my friends in the best way or any way at all, but I've never left one when the chips were down and I have no plans on doing so in the future. I would rather leave someone after she is securely on her feet. That way I know that I have been a friend. Love is sacrifice and it often means overlooking some sticky, mucky shit. But that's what it's about. It's about give and take and calling people on their shit, helping them in spite of themselves. It means telling them when they hurt you. And sometimes, you've got steam to blow off. They make you angry and you just need to get it out so that you can keep moving and keep loving. Love is not taking things personally and, when you do, getting over the hurt. Now, I'm not talking about the malicious sabotaging of a person's life. I mean the silly stuff. The stuff that doesn't matter. But, as the saying goes, some people are in your life for a reason and a season.

I am thankful and grateful that God chose to begin to weed out my garden so that my life can truly blossom.