Being the Change

Dear Readers (all three of you ;) ),

I had a really good conversation with my mother today. I think she is truly one of the wisest women that I know. We discussed the subject of friendship. Now, please don't think that I will belabor this point--I am simply processing so that I can move on to the life that God truly intends for me to have.

So, back to the sage that is my mother. She said that I've learned some really hard lessons from "friends." She's right, quite right indeed. This last lesson I learned was one that I saw coming. I knew that the woman that I was befriending did not know how to support me. How could she? She told some of my most personal secrets to the chair of my department. She did it without my permission and without conscience. She embarrassed me, put me on blast, and continued to pump me for secrets that she could take back to share with other people. My mother, quoting her mother, has always told me that a dog that brings a bone will carry a bone. And she brought enough bones for a graveyard. But, I chose to look the other way, to overlook her cruel intentions to have another person fired. The woman that was fired was fired for much more than her performance. This woman I called friend, quite simply, hated her. She was a target shortly after she was hired. I tried to be the voice of reason. Patience is a virtue. Not everyone learns on the same curve. But, I didn't do what I should have. I should have told the target that she was under fire. My conscience told me to do so on a number of ocassions, but I didn't. I will have to live with that. There isn't an excuse, period. I chose to keep my "friend's" secret. She told me that if (Chair) ever found out she would lose her job. Nevermind that another woman was going to lose hers. Just one question: How can someone cry about loving G-d so much and wanting to do what was pleasing to G-d, but consciously and deliberately work to get another person fired? How is that Christ-like? How does that win you favor with G-d? The karmic ramifications of that are so great... My mother put it this way: what goes around comes around.

I realize that I have not always been the most generous or forgiving person. My mother would often bessech G-d to forgive my sister and me when we were knowingly cruel to her (or others). I never understood why she would do that. I understand now...what goes around comes around (see Luke 6).

I haven't been the best person that I could possibly be--to myself and especially not to others. But I do make a sincere and righteous effort. I have tried to do so now moreso than ever. I try to remember to be mindful of my actions--I haven't had my children yet, I'm not married, and I don't want horrible things to happen to my loved ones. I try to put good things out into the universe. My boomerang can hit anyone around me that's in range--including but not limited to me. I've done bad things, but I can honestly say that I haven't ever been so purposely cruel as to dismantles someone's home life, their livelihood, their peace and piece of mind. I have talked to quite a few people in my former department that could see her for what she was and questioned my friendship with her. They just never did it to my face--at least not while we were "friends." I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I was truly a good friend to her and that pleases me. That is what, in this moment, gives me closure and the ability to forgive. Her penance is with G-d not with me. And, from my moccasins, she's got a lot to answer for.

So...what did I walk away with from the conversation that I had with my mother? ...and I know that my sentence construction was boo-boo through there. I can choose the type of life that I want. It is completely up to me. I know that seems simple, but it isn't, not really. I don't have to have the people in my life that I don't want to be there. I don't have to settle for poor treatment. Someone once foolishly said to me that in G-d's eyes, I wasn't special. I was like every other person that G-d created. But, quite simply, that's a lie. I am special. I am worthy of all of the truly great and wonderful things that G-d wants me to have. What G-d has for me is for me and that makes me special. I feel as though I need to start over. I need to surround myself with people who are true, pure, and good. There are some people in my life who act as if they have more control over what I do than I do. That simply will not do. I reject them. I am honestly and refreshingly done with bullshit. I CAN CHOOSE the type of life that I want. It's up to me... To quote Melissa Ethridge, "when i walk in my truth," I can accomplish anything.



"The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks."