Random Thoughts

New man, already old news...Now ain't I glad?

Absolutely.

I finished reading The DaVinci code today. Well, i started and ended today. It was definitely an interesting read. Out of all of the things that I walked away with, I'm wondering why many of us call on G-d when we have sex. I had a conversation about this with a close friend of mine. Her contention was that we were conditioned to do so. In my experience, that simply is not the case. I've never seen a porn actor or actress call on The Divine. It wasn't a conversation that I have ever had with anyone as a means of a sex talk or socialization. No, "call on G-d as you near orgasm." So, I wonder why I do it. I'm not saying that saying G-d's name is proof of the Code, but it's interesting.

The old, new guy wasn't really worth my time. He wasn't my type at all. I don't date real nerds and he, my friends, was a nerd. It has nothing to do with intelligence, but he's too...dorky. He tried too hard. I cannot stand a man who isn't confident. I don't want you to ask me if you are a good kisser or if you're "pleasing." What the hell does it mean to be pleasing? So becuase I couldn't answer the question, I had to pass him up. He wasn't very tall, had major dental problems, and he had three kids with baby momma-drama. Now I have my own issues that I'm sure that some men would choose to pass up. I've just decided to pass him up. I always say it, but I think I'm through with relationships for a while. Dating and relationships are just too much of a hassle for me right now.

I need a hobby.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!

I've been negligent in posting. I hesitate to say as much, but it's true. There are so many things that I have to say. That's the paradox--I have so many things to say, but very little of it gets said (or typed as the case maybe).

I've connected with a long lost friend from college. I cannot begin to describe what this relationship means to me. I called him today with a question. When I asked him if he was busy he told me yes...but the only reason he picked up was because he saw my name pop up on the caller ID. I rarely feel that honored, that special. When was the last time I explicitly or implicitly told someone,

I'm busy, but I'll make time for you?

It's been a while. Underneath all of the anguish and pain that I've endured, I've discovered that I have given up. I am not the same person that I used to be. Sure, I know very few people that resemble who they were five years ago let alone yesterday. But, I am discovering that like my outer appearance, my inner essence has changed, is changing, shifting, regenerating. Try as I might, I don't know who I am anymore.

This isn't a post about how depressed I am about the fact that I've changed and I don't recognize myself anymore. I am coming to realize that somewhere along my journey at some point, I lost track of who I was and who I am evolving into. I haven't taken the time to say to myself,

I'm busy, but I'll make time for you.

For the longest time, as turmoil dictates, I thought that being in this program was the worst thing I could have done for myself and sense of being. Today, I dont' feel that way. I think that all of this--whatever it was that it was--was a big lesson. I don't really know myself. I am unsure of what I like, what I crave, what I love. I am out of sorts with who I am. I was so busy trying to hold onto my sanity, reality, a sense of self, I forgot who the me of me was. Part and parcel of any graduate program, students are always searching for approval and acceptance. I got so caught up in that, so consumed with showing that I was worthy. I was so consumed with proving I was worthy, I forgot my own worth. That is not to say that I don't think and/or know that I am worth something. No, it's quite a bit more than that while being less daunting.

I feel like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride." She looks for her own worth in the worth of each man she agrees to marry only to discover that she is giving away her own worth and essence. So, she agrees to marry five men and skips out on each guy at the altar. With each man, she claims that she loves her eggs the same way he likes his. It isn't until she's challenged that she discovers that she doesn't know herself--her likes and her dislikes, her wants and desires, her own mind.

Well, that's my issue. I don't know my own mind. Amid survival, I forgot to check in with myself. Self-discovery took a back seat. Somehow, I fell out of love with myself. i became disillusioned...the person that I was trying so hard to protect, may not, in fact, be the person that I am now. I haven't let my brain catch up with my own personal development. The great part about all of this is, I can begin the journey of knowing myself all over again, today! (or tomorrow because I am hella sleepy).

So even though I'm busy, I'm making time for me.

A change is gonna come...

In 1963, the beautiful and inspired voice of Sam Cooke recorded "Change Is Gonna Come." I've included part of the lyric,

Sometimes I thought I wouldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come
Oh yes it is

This is my life now. I think that the cosmic spirits have realligned. God is pleased with my transformation and CHANGE IS OCCURING in my life. I sit in a coffee shop. I'm supposed to be reading for a paper due on Tuesday. It'll get done. I don't know how, but I just know. I guess that's the beauty of faith...

I received a call from a good friend of mine from college. He called me with a bunch of good news. Let me back up....When I was at the conference, he introduced me to a number of people who would help me with employment over the next year. I was placed in the right place at the right time. I know him because this moment was meant to happen. Anyway, we haven't hung out in a while. I saw him on Thursday and didn't get to see him again during the conference. So I called him on Saturday to remind him that we needed to hang out, I missed him, and I loved him. He called me back today. I am so excited. I wanted to take part in a program offered by the National Coalition for Community Justice of Metro. St. Louis. I was going to apply for this program before January 27, 2006 (the deadline), but I was so caught up in preparing for my second exam that I decided to just skip it. Well, my friend calls and tells me that there's an opening in the program. A woman of color was unable to take part in the program and the director (who I met through my friend) thought of me as a replacement.

I've decided to take a 10-day Vipassana Meditation course at the end of June. I've emailed my resume/vita to a couple of folks who know of employment opportunities that involve children and social justice. I sent my resume off for a teaching position in the area. I'm more than hopeful about that position. In another year, I will be someplace else enjoying my life without the same ignorance, uncaring, spite, and oppression that I have endured here. All of those things may exist where I end up, but it won't be same struggle and for that, I am most thankful.

Oh, and at the end of May, I will begin locing my hair. I might just have to post my photo on my blog. The sky has opened and it is pouring upon me in abundance. All I can do is receive it, be thankful, and pass it on.

Hey y'all..be light.

Here's a picture of the tattoo that I want on my wrist. Around the circle, I want written in some interesting script, "be the change you wish to see in the world" or "be the change..."

Being the Change (for real, for real)

I keep telling myself that I have to post, I have to say something. I have something to say. It's all such a blur and at the same time, I want to keep it all in. It seems so hard to do what i want to do with my life until I met Shannyn. Let me tell you about the last five days (maybe four--i'm typing so fast, I don't want to think about it). It all started on Wednesday when I went to the White Privilege Conference. I plugged in, got connected, and for the first time i realized that i belong. At the same time, i also realized that i am not living an authentic life. what is an authentic life, you ask? let me tell ya....

it has all started with a tattoo. one that i want, not one of the ones that i have. i want to get a mutlicolored kaleidiscope of dots on my wrist with the saying "be the change..." written around the circle. why, you ask? because i need a conscious reminder to be a good person, to rise above the shit muck and mire of stereotypes, oppression, and institutional bullshit that surrounds me everyday (don't get it twisted, it surrounds you too). so i wanted a visable tattoo, to remind me and to keep me in check. you see, i love that little Indian man (Ghandi). The full quotation is "be the change you wish to see in the world." what the fuck? isn't one of the brightest men ever? i am so moved by that quote. so, i met shannyn at the conference and i was telling her about the tattoo that i wanted (i'll get into the conference later) and she asked me,

"well, why don't you do it?"

all of the explanations that i came up with...my mother doesn't like tattoos, i don't want people to perceive me in the wrong way...blah, fucking blah, fucking blah. it all sounded pretty lame to my ears. so her i am chatting it up with this progressive, queer white woman and if my response sounded lame to me, i don't want to even imagine how it sounded to her. you see people, i'm changing. i want to get my nose pierced. i want locs. i am tired of living the life that will make other people happy. i am simply tired of it. i think that this moment of transistion in my life has shown me that. i AM one of those progressive women who drink spirulina and has visiable tattoos and piercings. why is it that i cannot tell my mother that i have had my nipples pierced (weird tangent...but stay with me)? why can't i be my own person? what's stopping me? why am i not living an authentic life. it seems rather just downright...words cannot even begin to describe it...that i cannot seem to be the person i want to be without apologizing for it. i wonder why i cannot just make my own decisions. even now, as i am sitting here thinking about getting a visiable tatt or my nose pierced, i keep thinking that i have to warn my mother. why? i mean don't get me wrong, i love my mother. i love her to the depth and core of my being, but i am as grown as i am going to be. i need to start making my own decisions and living my life for me. i think that's why i haven't been able to truly and fully welcome love into my life. i don't love my damn self. how can i expect someone else to love me when i can't tell them how i NEED to be loved. see, white privlege, self acceptance, and body modification really do go together.

i think that there are only a very few people who are living their lives and allowing society to make a place for them instead of the mass of us who allow society to make our place for us and we live our lives accordingly. life for me as a black woman is not easy. perhaps a nose piercing and a visable tattoo will make it more difficult--however, difficult is difficult. if i need a job and they cannot accept me as i am, then i don't need to be there. slowly but surely, i am shrugging off the need to conform and make the dominant power structure happy with my compliance. i want to live dammit. i want to live boldly and in color. why can't i do that? WHY CAN'T I DO THAT? i have been stifled and oppressed my whole life. and while i don't think that a tattoo and a nose piercing will overcome the oppression i face on a daily basis, i can be free to make my own way and feel good about who i am. i don't feel good about me. i think that's because i don't know who i am. i go along with the opinions and thoughts of people around me. i don't want to rock the boat and i don't want to cause any waves. i feel invisible most of the time. wow. that's a pretty big admission from me. i feel invisible. for the first time in a long time, i feel alive.

i was conversing with another woman of color at the conference and i told her that i finally felt as though i was connected--that i was "plugged in." plugged in should read alive. think about it....electricity is a current, never-ending, thriving, and alive. i felt alive. i am alive dammit and it's about time that I realized it. so i can walk away from the life i know right now and i'm okay with it. i can be the change in the world that i wish to see. i was pressured, co-opted, and forced out. i live my life knowing that i can change that simply by walking away without regret. by sending compassion to the people who hurt me most. why? because my humanity is tied to theirs and theirs to mine. all of the good things that i saw in them, are in me and vice versa. the reverse of that is also true. the negative energy in me is also in them. i am so angry and hurt because i am receiving the negative energy that i may or may not have put into the universe. but it is the negative energy that i know because it is alive in me. it is time for a change. as my friend from baton rouge would say, "yes, indeed."

so, today i was the change. i walked through this world today with compassion and love for the people around me. i noticed the good in people and i told them what i saw. as i think about it now, i am filled with joy. people are mirrors. i see in them what i harbor in myself. period. when i see the good in people, i see them as people. not as stereotypes. not as the identifications i place on them to make MYSELF feel comfortable. it felt good. i felt good. i felt compassion and love and light. i can be the change and i am encouraging others around me to do the same. i'm not saying that the same social ills don't exist. now, i simply have a different way of viewing those ills. my humanity is connected to everyone else's humanity. maybe through me, someone may be able to see something that may allow them to change or question or seek out. that's all i can ask. i'm just giving what i can, what i want to give, when i want to give it. so in a way, i guess it is a bit selfish.

so here are the decisions: i still want the tattoo. i'm not sure if i'll get it or not. i feel like i need a job before i get it. i'm afraid that it would affect my ability to get the job. but we'll see. same with the nose ring. still want it, but i am trying to get over my fear. being the change for one day does not erase 29 years of fear and submission. at some point, i will cut all of my hair off. i feel like it is holding all of the negative energy i've been submerged in for the past 3 years. i'm goingto cut it, let it grow for a few weeks and cut it again. then, i'm going to spend the next year locing my hair. i get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. i'm finally living for me.

watch out world, here i come.