Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!

I've been negligent in posting. I hesitate to say as much, but it's true. There are so many things that I have to say. That's the paradox--I have so many things to say, but very little of it gets said (or typed as the case maybe).

I've connected with a long lost friend from college. I cannot begin to describe what this relationship means to me. I called him today with a question. When I asked him if he was busy he told me yes...but the only reason he picked up was because he saw my name pop up on the caller ID. I rarely feel that honored, that special. When was the last time I explicitly or implicitly told someone,

I'm busy, but I'll make time for you?

It's been a while. Underneath all of the anguish and pain that I've endured, I've discovered that I have given up. I am not the same person that I used to be. Sure, I know very few people that resemble who they were five years ago let alone yesterday. But, I am discovering that like my outer appearance, my inner essence has changed, is changing, shifting, regenerating. Try as I might, I don't know who I am anymore.

This isn't a post about how depressed I am about the fact that I've changed and I don't recognize myself anymore. I am coming to realize that somewhere along my journey at some point, I lost track of who I was and who I am evolving into. I haven't taken the time to say to myself,

I'm busy, but I'll make time for you.

For the longest time, as turmoil dictates, I thought that being in this program was the worst thing I could have done for myself and sense of being. Today, I dont' feel that way. I think that all of this--whatever it was that it was--was a big lesson. I don't really know myself. I am unsure of what I like, what I crave, what I love. I am out of sorts with who I am. I was so busy trying to hold onto my sanity, reality, a sense of self, I forgot who the me of me was. Part and parcel of any graduate program, students are always searching for approval and acceptance. I got so caught up in that, so consumed with showing that I was worthy. I was so consumed with proving I was worthy, I forgot my own worth. That is not to say that I don't think and/or know that I am worth something. No, it's quite a bit more than that while being less daunting.

I feel like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride." She looks for her own worth in the worth of each man she agrees to marry only to discover that she is giving away her own worth and essence. So, she agrees to marry five men and skips out on each guy at the altar. With each man, she claims that she loves her eggs the same way he likes his. It isn't until she's challenged that she discovers that she doesn't know herself--her likes and her dislikes, her wants and desires, her own mind.

Well, that's my issue. I don't know my own mind. Amid survival, I forgot to check in with myself. Self-discovery took a back seat. Somehow, I fell out of love with myself. i became disillusioned...the person that I was trying so hard to protect, may not, in fact, be the person that I am now. I haven't let my brain catch up with my own personal development. The great part about all of this is, I can begin the journey of knowing myself all over again, today! (or tomorrow because I am hella sleepy).

So even though I'm busy, I'm making time for me.