Tenacity

I've been involved with a man for a little over three weeks. He's "going through a divorce." It's been a whirlwind courtship that started with day-long phone calls, progressed with " I love you," and culminated today with an email.

I checked his email account. He gave me his login and password. I simply didn't trust him. I think it was a premonition to do what I ordinarily wouldn't do. I am trying to figure my life out right now...what I want to be, what I want to do. Part of my grand aspiration means that I am going to pursue my dreams in another state. He lives in Texas and is moving to Louisiana soon, I am moving neither place within the next three to five years. To put it plainly, I think it is more than fortuitous that I was considering giving up my dream to be with him only to find that he was involved in extracurricular activities. Keep in mind that he wanted to be with me. He spoke of marriage and children. He bought my plane tickets there and bought me jewelry. He spoke of love and forever. So, I found that he's carrying on other relationships with other women via the internet. Here's the email I sent him today:

Hello (omitted),

I had a strange feeling this morning. So, I logged into your email account. I expected, or wanted, your internet dating account to be closed. As you well know, it wasn’t. I don’t know what disturbs me most—that your account was open or that, intuitionally, I don’t trust you. Your membership ends is May 17, 2006, so, obviously, you just renewed your account.

I logged into your dating account and read one of the answers you provided a woman you are communicating with:

3. Why did you join eHarmony?
I joined eharmony because meeting that special someone is proving especially difficult. There are so many factors when attempting to find someone for a long term relationship. Finding someone like this has been difficult for a variety of reasons. I honestly believe the same obstacles must be overcome when approaching someone face to face as on the internet. I thought this was a new and interesting way to meet someone special.

(As you know) You wrote that this morning. Clearly, you haven’t met your someone special and, undeniably, neither have I. In many of the ways that I thought you were different from men I’ve dated, you’re exactly the same. Although you led me to believe that you were truly interested in me and that you “loved” me, I don’t wish you any ill will.

I apologize for invading your privacy, but I don’t apologize for my actions. I’m rather glad that I did, for both of us. My last request is that you do not try to contact me—ever, for any reason. I’ve already set my email manager to delete messages from your email accounts. I will no longer answer your phone calls either. You once asked if we could remain friends if we were no longer together, but, in light of your duplicity, I don’t want to. Despite their flaws, I love and trust my friends. As stated above, I don’t trust you. While I care deeply for you, I don’t wish to be subjected to anymore lies. Please respect me enough to honor my request.

I wish you the best of luck on your career path and pray to God that you find the woman for whom you are destined.

nonwhite&woman

Please don’t worry, I won’t view your account again—it’s no longer of any interest to me. One word of advice though, please clean up your loose ends (i.e.: your marriage) so that you can be free to accept and pursue love. Take care.

My decision to send this email has, in large part, to do with yesterday's post. I simply deserve better. I run the risk of becoming what I accept. I never wanted to be a woman that would accept whatever a man chooses to throw my way just to keep a relationship.

Honestly, I looked at his account and saw an another alert from another woman. I plainly asked him if he was communicating with other women. He told me that he wasn't. Needing to vent, I told my best friend. She asked me if I confronted him. I told her no. Her exact words to me were "So it's okay with you that he lied?" I didn't know how to take that. I was pissed off--at her, not him. I couldn't get past her words though. I just knew that we, the man and I, could make it work. Shortly after my conversation with my best friend, he closed his internet dating account. When I logged in to his email account today, I found the notification that his dating account had only been closed for a few hours.

So, today is the day that I move on from him and from this situation. I do, however, sincerely feel bad about this: I was supposed to visit him this upcoming weekend. He paid nearly $300 for the ticket. I hate to waste money--even when it isn't my own. But, I guess he learned an expensive lesson. I wish him the best. Honestly. I read Luke 6 and I've chosen to live my life by that chapter. Even if Heaven doesn't exist (and I do believe that it does), it's still a great way to live.

By the way, I'm not brokenhearted. Surprisingly, I feel rather emboldened and tenacious. I'm taking control of my life and loving every minute of it. I am not consumed. The man that I am supposed to be with should confirm my worth and his love, care, and attention should exceed my expectations. So, I realize that he is not my blessing. I think I liked the attention more than I actually wanted to be with him.

Like Brandy sang, "Life's not over. I can start again."