I got it!

you know, no one is really in control of my life but me. i realized that today. i've made my decision. i'm walking away from this bad experience. that doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me wise. i feel so empowered. no one can live my life for me, but me. i am so in control. so, i had a little bourbon tonight. as i walked around my complex, i realized that the streetlight had never looked any greener than what i saw tonight. it's not so much the bourbon as my realization that I am in control of my life--no else, just me. i can do this. i can have the type of life that i want and it can be so much more than the experience that i've had thus far. i guess the beauty of being a Christian is knowing that everyone gets his or her just desserts. that's scary if you ask me. i've been really surly these last few days. i think it's because i've been coming to this decision. i am walking away. not because i've been beaten down. but, rather, quite the opposite. i'm leaving because i refuse to be beaten. i can face whatever is to come. i can face it because it is my destiny. it is my future, what i accept, what i want to be. i am so utterly excited to embrace my life. i think more than anyone could ever know. i'm in control. no one else. just me. i am all. i am it. God, they just don't know. four years, possibly less and i am living the life i was meant to live. this is the best thing that could ever happen to me. i feel like i am finally waking up from a bad dream. i welcome nirvana. this is it. this is my life. it is mine for the taking.

consider me a thief.

Tenacity

I've been involved with a man for a little over three weeks. He's "going through a divorce." It's been a whirlwind courtship that started with day-long phone calls, progressed with " I love you," and culminated today with an email.

I checked his email account. He gave me his login and password. I simply didn't trust him. I think it was a premonition to do what I ordinarily wouldn't do. I am trying to figure my life out right now...what I want to be, what I want to do. Part of my grand aspiration means that I am going to pursue my dreams in another state. He lives in Texas and is moving to Louisiana soon, I am moving neither place within the next three to five years. To put it plainly, I think it is more than fortuitous that I was considering giving up my dream to be with him only to find that he was involved in extracurricular activities. Keep in mind that he wanted to be with me. He spoke of marriage and children. He bought my plane tickets there and bought me jewelry. He spoke of love and forever. So, I found that he's carrying on other relationships with other women via the internet. Here's the email I sent him today:

Hello (omitted),

I had a strange feeling this morning. So, I logged into your email account. I expected, or wanted, your internet dating account to be closed. As you well know, it wasn’t. I don’t know what disturbs me most—that your account was open or that, intuitionally, I don’t trust you. Your membership ends is May 17, 2006, so, obviously, you just renewed your account.

I logged into your dating account and read one of the answers you provided a woman you are communicating with:

3. Why did you join eHarmony?
I joined eharmony because meeting that special someone is proving especially difficult. There are so many factors when attempting to find someone for a long term relationship. Finding someone like this has been difficult for a variety of reasons. I honestly believe the same obstacles must be overcome when approaching someone face to face as on the internet. I thought this was a new and interesting way to meet someone special.

(As you know) You wrote that this morning. Clearly, you haven’t met your someone special and, undeniably, neither have I. In many of the ways that I thought you were different from men I’ve dated, you’re exactly the same. Although you led me to believe that you were truly interested in me and that you “loved” me, I don’t wish you any ill will.

I apologize for invading your privacy, but I don’t apologize for my actions. I’m rather glad that I did, for both of us. My last request is that you do not try to contact me—ever, for any reason. I’ve already set my email manager to delete messages from your email accounts. I will no longer answer your phone calls either. You once asked if we could remain friends if we were no longer together, but, in light of your duplicity, I don’t want to. Despite their flaws, I love and trust my friends. As stated above, I don’t trust you. While I care deeply for you, I don’t wish to be subjected to anymore lies. Please respect me enough to honor my request.

I wish you the best of luck on your career path and pray to God that you find the woman for whom you are destined.

nonwhite&woman

Please don’t worry, I won’t view your account again—it’s no longer of any interest to me. One word of advice though, please clean up your loose ends (i.e.: your marriage) so that you can be free to accept and pursue love. Take care.

My decision to send this email has, in large part, to do with yesterday's post. I simply deserve better. I run the risk of becoming what I accept. I never wanted to be a woman that would accept whatever a man chooses to throw my way just to keep a relationship.

Honestly, I looked at his account and saw an another alert from another woman. I plainly asked him if he was communicating with other women. He told me that he wasn't. Needing to vent, I told my best friend. She asked me if I confronted him. I told her no. Her exact words to me were "So it's okay with you that he lied?" I didn't know how to take that. I was pissed off--at her, not him. I couldn't get past her words though. I just knew that we, the man and I, could make it work. Shortly after my conversation with my best friend, he closed his internet dating account. When I logged in to his email account today, I found the notification that his dating account had only been closed for a few hours.

So, today is the day that I move on from him and from this situation. I do, however, sincerely feel bad about this: I was supposed to visit him this upcoming weekend. He paid nearly $300 for the ticket. I hate to waste money--even when it isn't my own. But, I guess he learned an expensive lesson. I wish him the best. Honestly. I read Luke 6 and I've chosen to live my life by that chapter. Even if Heaven doesn't exist (and I do believe that it does), it's still a great way to live.

By the way, I'm not brokenhearted. Surprisingly, I feel rather emboldened and tenacious. I'm taking control of my life and loving every minute of it. I am not consumed. The man that I am supposed to be with should confirm my worth and his love, care, and attention should exceed my expectations. So, I realize that he is not my blessing. I think I liked the attention more than I actually wanted to be with him.

Like Brandy sang, "Life's not over. I can start again."

Being the Change

Dear Readers (all three of you ;) ),

I had a really good conversation with my mother today. I think she is truly one of the wisest women that I know. We discussed the subject of friendship. Now, please don't think that I will belabor this point--I am simply processing so that I can move on to the life that God truly intends for me to have.

So, back to the sage that is my mother. She said that I've learned some really hard lessons from "friends." She's right, quite right indeed. This last lesson I learned was one that I saw coming. I knew that the woman that I was befriending did not know how to support me. How could she? She told some of my most personal secrets to the chair of my department. She did it without my permission and without conscience. She embarrassed me, put me on blast, and continued to pump me for secrets that she could take back to share with other people. My mother, quoting her mother, has always told me that a dog that brings a bone will carry a bone. And she brought enough bones for a graveyard. But, I chose to look the other way, to overlook her cruel intentions to have another person fired. The woman that was fired was fired for much more than her performance. This woman I called friend, quite simply, hated her. She was a target shortly after she was hired. I tried to be the voice of reason. Patience is a virtue. Not everyone learns on the same curve. But, I didn't do what I should have. I should have told the target that she was under fire. My conscience told me to do so on a number of ocassions, but I didn't. I will have to live with that. There isn't an excuse, period. I chose to keep my "friend's" secret. She told me that if (Chair) ever found out she would lose her job. Nevermind that another woman was going to lose hers. Just one question: How can someone cry about loving G-d so much and wanting to do what was pleasing to G-d, but consciously and deliberately work to get another person fired? How is that Christ-like? How does that win you favor with G-d? The karmic ramifications of that are so great... My mother put it this way: what goes around comes around.

I realize that I have not always been the most generous or forgiving person. My mother would often bessech G-d to forgive my sister and me when we were knowingly cruel to her (or others). I never understood why she would do that. I understand now...what goes around comes around (see Luke 6).

I haven't been the best person that I could possibly be--to myself and especially not to others. But I do make a sincere and righteous effort. I have tried to do so now moreso than ever. I try to remember to be mindful of my actions--I haven't had my children yet, I'm not married, and I don't want horrible things to happen to my loved ones. I try to put good things out into the universe. My boomerang can hit anyone around me that's in range--including but not limited to me. I've done bad things, but I can honestly say that I haven't ever been so purposely cruel as to dismantles someone's home life, their livelihood, their peace and piece of mind. I have talked to quite a few people in my former department that could see her for what she was and questioned my friendship with her. They just never did it to my face--at least not while we were "friends." I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I was truly a good friend to her and that pleases me. That is what, in this moment, gives me closure and the ability to forgive. Her penance is with G-d not with me. And, from my moccasins, she's got a lot to answer for.

So...what did I walk away with from the conversation that I had with my mother? ...and I know that my sentence construction was boo-boo through there. I can choose the type of life that I want. It is completely up to me. I know that seems simple, but it isn't, not really. I don't have to have the people in my life that I don't want to be there. I don't have to settle for poor treatment. Someone once foolishly said to me that in G-d's eyes, I wasn't special. I was like every other person that G-d created. But, quite simply, that's a lie. I am special. I am worthy of all of the truly great and wonderful things that G-d wants me to have. What G-d has for me is for me and that makes me special. I feel as though I need to start over. I need to surround myself with people who are true, pure, and good. There are some people in my life who act as if they have more control over what I do than I do. That simply will not do. I reject them. I am honestly and refreshingly done with bullshit. I CAN CHOOSE the type of life that I want. It's up to me... To quote Melissa Ethridge, "when i walk in my truth," I can accomplish anything.



"The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks."

It been almost a month....

so much has happened although much has remained the same. I'm a happy person. Things are happening for me in ways that I didn't they would. I'm hoping to get into a new department. I guess it a matter of stepping out on faith. It's been so long since I've done that. There are less than three weeks left in the semester and I have three papers to write and one final project. It's all good though. I've learned that people are underhanded and vicious and deceitful. Nothing new, but I guess it surprising to me because I genuinely make an effort not to surround myself with people like that.

The good thing is she (the shit-stirrer) is out of my life. I'm refusing to dwell on the negative. I need all of the positivity that I can handle. My life is still in flux. That's okay. Flux is a part of life. Or, at least it's a part of my life now. I should probably go and make my copies for class tonight, but I am being lazy. I keep wondering when the fire's going to get lit underneath my ass. I've got a ten-twelve page paper to do. I'm thinking it can get done this weekend. What's the hold up, right? The other paper, I've got to do much more research on. That's going to take a while. I've got so many things and people pulling me in 1,001 directions. But's it's okay. I'm made of tough stuff.

Interesting thing...I was reading Foucault today. He says that ethics are bound to freedom. Freedom is self-reflection that breeds ethics which, in turn, creates fairness to other people. Self-reflection was something that ancient Greeks did. It wasn't until Christianity that self-reflection was perceived as selfish and an avenue aimed at self-indulgence. While he doesn't blame Christianity for the turning the introspective gaze, it happened during Christianity. The absence of self-reflection is very well the absence of ethics and freedom. We are all expected to be selfless, but, I would argue, be introspective and evaluating the self and the actions of the self are selfless--it determines how you will or won't practice freedom in a way that does not impinge upon the rights of others.

And that's my two cents for the day.