The battle of the Greens

I've never been known for being subtle. In fact, quite the opposite. I've always lived my life in living color. If i had to choose a color, it would bright, neon, apple green. I have been proud of that fact. I wasn't that person in high school. I was like any teenager, I was fulled with angst and starving for acceptance. But when I went off to college, it was a different story.

I was young, vibrant, and had absolutely no responsibilities. I lived my life accordingly. Then, though, I was still striving for the normal things that girls are supposed to want. I wanted to find a good man and settle down. I thought that I would marry my college sweetheart and live happily ever after. I thought that I would have the friends I made in college forever. Further, I thought that I would graduate, get married, have a couple of kids, and find a fantastic job. None of this happened and for that I am extremely thankful. But where's the neon green?

I moved to DC for a stint. I was officially on my own. I had no idea of how to pay rent or bills on time. I often went out drinking with people from work. I had a blast in DC. I had good girlfriends and good male friends with which to hang out. Even with everything in place, I wasn't living my life in color. Sure, I was the life of the party. People enjoyed being around me. I loved to make people laugh, I still do. But I wasn't pursuing my dreams. I wasn't bold and fearless. I didn't know how to pursue what I wanted. As a result, the man that I wanted more than anyone or anything in my life slipped through my fingers. I never let him know that I was interested in him romantically. I listened to the advice of family and friends and kept my mouth shut, choosing for us to remain platonic. Now, I'm not saying that my revelation would have changed the course of my life or his for that matter, but I could have grabbed life by the horns and pursued what it was that I wanted.

Then, off to the South. Here, I was vibrant. I was living my life to its fullest. I was pursuing what I wanted to pursue. I acted more as an independent agent and free thinker that I ever have. Simply, I loved my life. I loved life because it was one of my own making. I chose what I wanted to do and who I wanted to do it with. I was living the bright lime green life I'd always wanted to live and sometimes deluded myself into thinking I was living before. I was gregarious. I was the life of the party. I went after what I wanted without a second glance and without thought to ramification. For the first time in my life, I mattered to me. I was damn pleased with my job, with my personal life, with myself. To that point, my life had been nearing full realization. Now, I got it. I reached the pinnacle of self-actualization.

Now, I am here. I have moved due South of self-actualization. I am off center. My neon green life best resembles a faint pastel green with more white than actual color. Paint stores call this color seafoam green, I believe. Only with the most extreme light can one even tell that the color on the walls is something other than white. Where did I go wrong. I wish I could take a break. I want to go to some retreat somewhere and live for several weeks, maybe even months in solitude. I don't want to talk to anyone. I simply want the time to quiet myself and listen to my heart's directions. But, right now, that is unrealistic.

So, here's my goal: to get back to my neon green life, unapologetically, vibrantly, and soon.

thinking through life

It has been quite some time. I haven't had much of the will or desire to write anything. I am not particularly pleased with my life. I don't feel as though I am using my gifts. I thought that the PhD was what I wanted. I think I was more focused on the prestige rather than the actual process. I feel as though I am qualified, I'm just not sure I have the commitment necessary to finish. I have been hurt and broken by this process. Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I am curious about what my reason for being here is. I have no desire to work on a college campus. At least, not until I'm done with actively working to change the world. I want to work with children. Most of all...

I want to be happy.

I haven't been happy in a really long time. I've put my happiness off like I sometimes put off going to the gym. I want to get away from the life I have now. I hate school. I hate my department. I don't care for the people. Most are snobs. That is not the person that I am (at least not who I want to be) and I don't believe that that is the person I was meant to become. There is a certain amount of elitism that courses through the veins of "prestigious" universities. I don't want to be a part of that, not really. When I imagine my impact on this world, I see the good works that I have done. I see the ways that I have affected change in the world. How I have advocated on the behalf of children as well as working with them. I want to help kids to read. I want to encourage critical thinking skills among children around issues of race and social justice. I think that the PhD would help to open doors for me, but I don't need it. It won't increase my skill set in terms of what I can do to help. The degree won't help my listen; it won't prepare me to hear what it is that the people I seek to serve are saying.

What else it there to say?

I think that everything that needs to be said has been said and that I have exhausted my ability to be patient. My focus is narrow. I don't want to learn statistics, I don't want to write papers simply to build my CV or to build my tenure case. I want a life of service. I want a life of service. I want a life of service. There, I got it out. I said it. Now, what to do about it? How do I make my dream a reality? How do I do it? That's the daunting task. Figuring out what to do about it. Anyone can identify a problem, it takes a truth-teller, a problem-solver, a listener, high morals, uncompromising ethics, sound commitment, and lots of heart to arbitrate a problem where all involved come out on top.

I can do it.

"Nothing really matters...to meeeee."

You know, I just got yelled at by a friend for something I didn't do. To be fair, she wasn't yelling at me, but she was venting. About 3/4 of thee way through the conversation where I am trying to help "solve" the situation, she tells me that she is pissed off and just needs to vent. My chest got ripped in half because I didn't do the right thing. I'll be sure to ask next time. Next time, I'll just keep moving when somebody, anybody tells me that they are pissed off. If they should decide they want to talk about it, I will simply keep my fucking mouth shut. I will zone out and let them have their moment. I have too much on my plate to get yelled at because I can see the other side. I am compassionate by nature and spend time trying to anticipate other people's needs. I guess that's what makes me never have the right answers. My problem it that I try to be fair to everyone. Well, as of today, FUCK it. I will cease to be fair and take care of my own ass in quite the manner that the rest of the world seems to do. Because, I mean, when in Roman why not make like a statue?

All good things come to an end. You can go ahead and stick a fork in me...

I'm done.